As Our Story Begins, we find our mild mannered Captain Bell-Hook assisting hotel guest as they arrive at the front desk. He politely spiels to the arrivals, a congenial run down of the hotels lay-out, dinner menus, and basic orientation.
As most any day at hotel Canuukiwarned-ya, while there are a “Few”cheerful paying customers at the desk, the usual heel-hounds scurry about, sniffing out ways to stiff the hired help, thereby saving themselves a few dollars out of pocket change. Apparently, when some folks decide to stay in a ritzy, better than average hotel spending more on a room for a night than last months rent, they think everything else should be included in the bill.
So, as Captain Bell-Hook seemingly appears preoccupied assisting other guest, little “Chip-Off-The-Old-Skin-Flint” pulls the “make eye contact with mommie dearest” diversion, as dad makes off with the luggage cart in attempt to save himself $3.00 bucks.
This being the oldest trick in the Gratuity Gangster Game, ole dad chuckles, thinking lil flint slips the bags unnoticed right under Captain Bell-Hook, and the entire hotel staff’s noses.
As the morning progress’s,
the same old shell-games pass numerously, erroneously believed shielded just beneath the staff’s line of vision daily, and all goes on as planned. Just another beautiful morning for the Bellmen, whom we all know would rather be at work, waiting on visiting yuppy, tight wadded transients and their families, than to be at home serving their own.
Around 10:30 A.M. while the hotel lobby thinned out a bit from the hustling crowd, the phone buzzes for service from a room on the ground floor. Bzzzzz!!!
“Front desk, Hotel Canuukiwarned-ya, Hook speaking, how may I help you”?
A squeaky elderly female voice on the other end squelches out the words: “Young man, I need you to come and repair my microwave oven”. “Okay ma’am; What seems to be the trouble with it”? “Well”. She retorts, “If I knew that I wouldn’t need you to come and fix it”. “Now would I”? “Ah, no ma’am, I suppose you wouldn’t”. ”I’ll be right there ma’am”.
Just as Captain Bell-Hook hangs up the phone, this little aberration appears in front of the desk, as the sound of giggles, and occasional squeak of a luggage dolly is heard down the left corridor. “Are you gentlemen doing any hiring today”? Little miss bell-booby asked. Bell-Hook, knowing this was just an apparition conjured up via the evil-spirit, ”Red-Herrinnymphus” by another team of gratuity gluttons, left the desk manager to deal with it, and headed down the right corridor toward the old lady with the microwave issue, purposely choosing not to look left, not wanting to see the inevitable escaping caddy-cart.
As the lady shut the door after inviting Bell-Hook in to take a look at her microwave, the Hook turns and informs the lady; “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but, this is not a kitchenette room, and I will have to take your microwave back to the front desk with me”. After years of pursuing his career as a professional service person, Bell-Hook thought he had heard every slandering stream of belligerent, belittlement’s known to man…
But, he was wrong.
As he made off down the hall with granny fiery-dart’s flash cooker, he turned to let her know she could pick it up at the desk upon checkout. Unfortunately, he turned just in time to see her fling her evil toaster towards his head with the force of a forward motioned wrecking ball, and never got the words out of his mouth before being eaten alive.
The toaster rolled down the hall end over end at breakneck speed, before finally coming to rest at the lobby entrance, and spit the Bell-Hook out all warm and toasty.
I said the toaster spit him out all warm and toasty..
I said the toaster spit him out…
well, okay,.. maybe it didn’t spit him out after all, which means of course, the story now must take a turn in the …
Oh, there he is;
As Captain Bell-Hook’s assistant, “Big Bell-O-Mac”, saw what was taking place he quickly grabbed the phone to call police for obvious needed assistance, as by now little old microwave lady’s granddaughter had arrived at the scene, quite livid at Bell-Hook for taking grannies microwave. Big Bell-O-Mac had barely gotten the word; “Hello” into the phone, when the granddaughter gouged a 10 inch syringe into his leg, pumping in 800 units of green pectin, instantly turning him into a huge pile of mindless jello.
Needless to say, this was about as much as Bell-Hook could take. Still steaming from the toaster oven, he thought better of popping-off and blowing his top all over the place. Instead, as if delivered by some unseen force, a plan to calm everyone down, and get things back on an even keel instantly came to his mind. He remembers thinking to himself; ” I couldn’t have come up with a better plan if it were written specifically to me on the back of a Crunch Berry box”. While scooping up the plate of lime-jello, that was once his friend, and co-worker, and placing it gently into the mini-fridge behind the front desk, he tells the granddaughter of the oven smuggler she could take the microwave back up to her room.
Once the young lady left, he immediately began tracking the room numbers of all the tip- stiffing, cart stealing, appliance poaching, skin flint guest that had crossed his path since he arrived earlier that morning. He then called them all one by one, informing them it was now 11:45, and seeing as they had been such affable, gracious paying customers, the hotel was treating them to a special “Free-Lunch” in the restaurant on the second floor.
Never being ones to miss out on a free-lunch, everyone was in the lobby, and ready to go upstairs before the clock chimed high-noon. Exuberantly giddy, in expectation of a free meal, Captain Bell-Hook had little trouble getting them all to pack into the same elevator, ready to ship off in minutes.
No sooner than the doors of the elevator closed, Hook was in and out of the phone booth, faster than a silver bullet can kill a vampire, completely transformed from the lowly, mild- mannered Bellman, everyone knew and loved, into “Captain, You’ve Been Warned,”!!! slammed the joy stick that released the trap-door- floor of the elevator open, sending all aboard plummeting rapidly into the abyss. A place that no one knows, not I, not the Hook, not “Captain You’ve Been Warned”, or even the hotel establishment…No one knows where…this place is not even…
…Okay, it’s …somewhere in Siberia…
All seemed to be going well the rest of the afternoon, till suddenly, both front glass doors of the hotel were blown in through the lobby at the speed of light. The sudden explosive sound of shattering glass sent patrons fraying across one another, sprawling to the floor, just in time to keep from being ripped, tattered, and torn by millions of lightning speed shards of sparkling glass. To the Hook, who was now peering out from his crouched position, behind the front desk, it looked like some sort of diamonds storm- shot out from a massive cannon. What was to come through the door next, however,was even more bone chillingly frightening to the Hook, as it was none other than Arch- Nemesis of Captain You’ve Been Warned, herself, “Paula Deen”!!!
Hook was shaken even more upon learning from the blood curdling question the low country cook screeched, that the little old microwave lady was apparently Paula Deans granny too…
“Where’s my little microwave cooking granny y’aaaall…wut heff y’all done withh har”?
Looking over at the Hook, and realizing he was actually Captain “You’ve Been Warned” in a Bell Hop uniform, she screamed; “Why you yellow belly grandma hatein, non-donut eatin scandrawl you, when I git my hands own y’aaall I’m a – gonna sop you up with some maple sir-rip, and eat you alive mister”!!!
By now the news of Paula Deen’s arrival, and intentions to devour the Hook, had reached Mrs. Hook, otherwise known as “Vampire Lover”, who spread her wings and flew in like an F-22, Stealth Raptor, in hopes to help her husband. She knew even with the assisted super powers of “Captain You’ve Been Warned” the Hook was no match for the Krispe-Kreme-Burger-Queen by himself.
Swooping in, The Vampire Lover took hold of the Apple – butter, lard Queen , latching onto her neck, and with just one bite collapsed to the floor, an apparent victim of instant diabetic comma.
The Hook went completely ballistic… Reaching behind him with both arms, and swinging back around in one fluid motion, letting go of the object he’d grabbed with such a force it took out two stress bearing columns from beneath the ceiling before slamming into Deen, the Low Country Brawler Queen. Suddenly there was a massive explosion, as the entire ground floor of the hotel was coated and filled from ceiling to floor with oozing green slime. In through the holes where the two glass doors once stood, the wind blew fiercely, forming an air pocket. The green slime began to harden, as squishy, gurgley, popping sounds came from smaller bubbles lining its walls as they burst. Suddenly, one of the smaller bubbles popped sending something flying across the hotel and slamming into the far wall which had already hardened its green slime covering into something the consistency of Super-Ball rubber. The thing shot from the bubble bounced at a high rate of speed from wall to wall, back and forth across the entire span of the hotel lobby at least 20 times like a pin- ball in a rubber room. Suddenly, sticking straight out like an arrow shot from Robin Hoods bow, it came to a vibrating stop, when it stuck into the left
butt cheek of Paula Deen, who in turn fell across the Vampire lover with such a crushing impact that all the air came rushing out of the Vampire Lover, kick starting her breathing again.
As the slime hardened into a buoyant, bouncy, rubbery, cocoon, kids, and adults alike poured into the lobby from all directions, jumping up and down, whooping and laughing, and bouncing around like they were in some sort of a kids inflatable moon-walk castle or something.
Just then, as the Hook cleansed the remaining slime off the thing shot out of the bubble, enough to realize it was his buddy, and co-worker, Big Bell-O-Mac, Paula Deen turned and said;
“Hey, Wut wus that thang you stuck in my laft butt cheek”?
A little reluctant, Big Bell-O-Mac, shrugged, and said…“Erm, it was this 10 inch syringe that crazy niece of yours stuck me with earlier”.
“Hum”. Deen said. “I don’t thank I’ve felt this good in three yee-ahs, Ya’ll”.
By now the place had filled with emergency crews, paramedics, firemen, policemen, and even a doctor or two.
“Mrs. Deen, I was a guest on your show a while back”. “Here, let me have a look at you, make sure you’re okay”. A thin, pale looking lady said.
“Oh, I’m fine Dr. Wilma “. Deen Said. “Other than the diabeatus thang, I thank I feel better than I have in yee-ahs”. “And by the way, fancy a meetin you here.”
“Yes”. The young lady doctor said. “It is quite the coincidence”. ” Now, let me drawl a little blood from you, and see what effect that stuff in the syringe may have had “.
“Hmm, Mrs. Deen”. The doctor said after examining the blood on a few strips of Litmus paper, and running it through a hand held meter a few times. “I don’t see any sign of your diabetes, I think you’ve been completely healed”.
“Hehehehe!!! Did Ya’ll hear thaet”? Dean exclaimed. “I’m heaaaald”!!!
“Ya’ll need to bottle that stuff up and sell it as a meeracull quewer or something, ya’ll, in fact…I’m takin a buh-ckit of it home with me and bake me some green cakes, heheheee.”
So, along that time the Hook looks up at the clock on the wall and says to Mrs. Hook. ” Well, babe…it’s quitting time. Time for the shift change. Let’s go home”.
As they strolled arm in arm toward what used to be the front door of the hotel, Hook stops in his tracks upon hearing the chime of the elevator just as it comes to a stop in the lobby. The doors open, and inside stood eight, familiar looking, dirty, half frozen, faces gazing furiously back at him. “What now”? Asked the Vampire Lover. Hook looked at his wife through eyes half glazed over from fright and surprise, and half squinted from holding back the urge of bursting out laughing and says:
Now back to my favorite pass-time: